Episode 19: Battle Unmet Expectations: Two Secret Weapons for a Doctor
Mom

Is work-life balance a myth?

It could be an unmet expectation.

You juggle stethoscopes and sippy cups, diagnose diseases and reign in
diaper disasters.

You dream of a thriving career and picture-perfect family, but the
reality? Often, those expectations feel like a constant tightrope walk.
You push yourself to the limit, feeling torn between saving lives at the
hospital and nurturing tiny lives at home.

This is not what you thought it would be.

But here’s the good news, you’re not alone.

Today, I’ll dive deep into those unmet expectations, specifically the
ones faced at work and at home. And guess what? There is hope!

I’ll explore two powerful coping mechanisms that can help you navigate
the chaos and find strength in your dual role. So, grab your coffee,
turn up the volume and let’s get real about being a physician mom.

Hi there and thank you for joining me today!

Between saving lives and raising tiny humans, the pressure to excel in
both areas can feel like a constant weight on our shoulders.

Society often paints a picture of the perfect physician mom – always
available at work, a superhero at home, somehow achieving this mythical
“work-life balance.” But the reality? It’s messy, it’s demanding, and
sometimes, expectations just fall short.

We all face these unmet expectations, both in our careers and
motherhood.

Motherhood and a Medical Career Hold Unmet Expectations

• • Career: Unrealistic work hours, lack of support for
    breastfeeding/pumping, or limited opportunities for advancement due to
    childcare needs all contribute to failed results.

• • Support from colleagues, or lack thereof, may surprise you. I had one
    interesting encounter when I was pregnant with a colleague. He told me
    “You know, you don’t have to work anymore. You can stay at home with
    the kids.” He said this as if my work life was done, time to move on
    to staying at home raising kids and let my husband fully support us.

• • There is also that tension between colleagues who have kids versus
    those who don’t. Each side struggles with unfair assumptions and
    biases. For my practice group, this was evident with our vacation
    lottery system – which was very fair in my opinion!

• • A few minutes ago, I asked if work-life balance was a myth. It is if
    you are expecting to “have it all” without sacrifice. In reality, long
    work hours and high-stress days leave little personal time.

• • A revised work-life balance with realistic expectations is 100%
    possible, not a myth. This does take work and sacrifice to sidestep
    the weeds and stay on the path of what matters most. When you spend
    time on what is most valuable to you, you are rewarded 10-fold.

• • Motherhood: Missing milestones, feeling of guilt for
    missing out, and an idealized visions of “perfect” motherhood does not
    match reality.

• • The motherhood rollercoaster starts with a blue line on a stick.

• • From that moment on, this new role is fraught with unmet expectations.
    But, many expect the unexpected, right? How can anyone know the
    future? But that doesn’t prevent disappointment or surprises that you
    need to cope with.

• • Take a smooth birth experience, for example. With my first baby I
    dutifully read the books and followed their instructions to write out
    a birth plan. I remember telling my L & D nurse about these papers. As
    she said “Ok!” she had a look of
    “That’s cute she thinks she can plan this whole event.”

• • Another example I have is missing a milestone that was rather
    important to me – my baby’s first haircut. In my own baby book, I have
    often looked at the little paraffin envelope of my first lock of hair.
    My mother saved it as she took me for my first haircut.

• • I completely missed out on this for my first born one Saturday when I
    was on a 24 hour in house call. The family was visiting that weekend,
    so I was grateful for the extra help at home. However, when I got
    home, my son’s hair was cut!

• • My husband and family had taken him out for his first haircut. I get
    it, it is a fun activity and I never expressed out loud that I wanted
    to be present. No one’s fault really. But I did feel guilt and
    frustration that my job caused me to miss out.

• • The reality is you can’t predict the unpredictable, just know life
    will take crazy turns. Your job is to carry your own set of coping
    skills to roll with the turns.

• • Developing these coping skills is like building a muscle – it takes a
    little practice to get stronger. This brings me to my core message
    today.

Two Skills a Physician Mom May Want to Strengthen

So, what do we do when expectations fall flat? Here’s a secret weapon of
strong physician moms: reframing and acceptance.

Being a doctor mom is a demanding role, and unmet expectations can be a
major source of stress. Reframing and acceptance are powerful coping
mechanisms that can help you navigate these challenges.

Reframing is changing your mindset to fit the facts of the situation,
not nourishing the mindset you have created from emotion or exhaustion,
or assumptions.

• • Reframing: Reframing is about adjusting your mindset
    to the reality of the situation. You can do this several ways. Here
    are a few examples.

• • First, instead of dwelling on what you can’t control (work demands,
    limited time), focus on what you can. This could be prioritizing
    specific times for family, delegating tasks at home, or setting
    realistic daily goals.

• • This also means saying “no” where you can. Craft your own reality by
    setting boundaries around what you do control. This is a big topic
    that deserves a dedicated podcast, which I plan to write soon.

• • Second, reframe “should” statements. For example, with
    childcare, you may say “I should be spending more time with my
    kids.”

• • Instead of feeling guilty about using daycare or a nanny, reframe it
    as providing your child with a stimulating environment and social
    interaction.

• • I felt this when my kids were little, my husband travelled, and we
    were able to hire a nanny for care. She took them to so many cool
    places like museums, nature walks or out for flan at a favorite
    restaurant. To this day my kids love flan!

• • So, replace the “I should” thought with a more empowering
    thoughts like
    “I can make the most of the time I have with them.”

• • Third, focus on the positive. Even on busy days, acknowledge the good
    moments. What did go well?

• • Did you have a quick laugh with your child? Did you complete a
    challenging task at work? Acknowledge the good parts of your reality
    too, it may be contagious!

• • When I spend a moment to focus on funny spots of my day, or a positive
    surprise or coincidence I often discover more examples of that
    happening in my day. Does this happen for you?

• • Acceptance: Acceptance means acknowledging your
    limitations and letting go of perfection.

• • Acknowledging your limitations is a tough one, am I right? The art of
    saying “no” also applies to the skill of acceptance by setting
    boundaries.

• • You realize you can’t be everything to everyone all the time. So, say
    “yes” to what really matters. Again, this is an entire topic for a
    future podcast.

• • Now, letting go of perfection is difficult too, for me especially as I
    feel like it’s part of my DNA.

• • Life is chaotic at times, key events will be missed and imperfections
    sing loud and clear sometimes. Embrace it – it’s all part of the
    journey.

• • You know things won’t always be perfect, right? But that doesn’t stop
    my brain from trying to achieve it, and the guilt or shame that
    follows. Ack, if I could just accept the reality of entropy on our
    universe.

• • Focus instead on accepting the nonsensical and rewarding progress over
    perfection. By celebrating the small steps you do take towards your
    goals as a physician and as a mom. You won’t let the expectation of a
    perfect outcome prevail.

You are incredible. You navigate a demanding career, raise extraordinary humans, and leave a lasting impact on the world.

Remember, reframing and acceptance are superpowers. By adjusting your expectations and embracing the reality, you can find strength and thrive in both roles as a doctor and a mom. Remember to practice self-compassion too. Forgive yourself for unmet expectations and celebrate your achievements, big or small.

So, celebrate the small wins, delegate when you can, and know that you’re not alone. This journey of motherhood and medicine is yours to craft and employ, and it’s nothing short of extraordinary. Keep your head up, you’ve got this!

Remember, progress over perfection is key.

And don’t forget to join me next week for another dose of support and inspiration. Until then, take care of
yourself, and take care of those who matter most.

It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!