Episode 20: Saying No Like a Boss: Boundaries for Physician Moms

The expectation to be constantly available, coupled with a deep-rooted desire to care for others, can create an overwhelming sense of obligation.

The result? You’re left with this monster of a to-do list that has a mind of its own! Why is that?

Why is it so hard to just say “no” sometimes – to protect what matters most to you?

It may not be in your nature, like me. As an introvert it is often easier to conserve my energy and not resist.

I will accept that extra task and squeeze it into my schedule – even when it takes away from something more important. For me, that
“something” can be a workout class, being home for dinner, or taking my daughter on a driving lesson.

In that moment, I end up feeling resentful for doing this task.

How do you make it second nature to say no more and draw boundaries?

Hi there and thank you for joining me today!

I am excited to talk about using the power of “no” to set boundaries so you can say “yes” to the important things in life.

Physician moms have this relentless pressure to be everything to everyone. There’s only so much of you to go around!

You divide up your time, physical energy and mental focus on the burden of obligations. Your expertise, creativity, enthusiasm and energy are finite resources.

Giving out so many pieces of yourself can lead to burnout, neglect of self-care, family, hobbies; things that matter.

Don’t just leave yourself the scraps.

Imagine Your (Near) Future Self, Doc

I want to take you on a brief exercise of imagination.

Take a moment to dream big. Imagine yourself three months from now. Picture a world where you’ve prioritized family time, self-care, or a passion project at work or home.

What does that look like? How do you feel when you wake up in the morning, maybe energized and excited about the day ahead?

When you lay your head on your pillow, what emotions fill you after connecting more with your kids?

How does it feel to complete a challenging work project or master a new skill?

Bask in those thoughts. You may have compliments from your colleagues, gratitude from your family, and most importantly, the sense of accomplishment and peace within yourself.

Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish; it’s a powerful act of self-care that will ripple out positively to everyone around you.”

Saying “No” and Setting Boundaries are Powerful Tools to Prioritize
What Matters

It’s time to refine what it means to be a successful physician mom.

So, how do you get to that future you? Saying no and setting boundaries are powerful tools to get there. These tools help you divert your prized energy toward what matters.

Easy to say this, right?

What is a healthy limit on what you allow in your personal and professional life? This is your boundary!

Sometimes it’s crystal clear where you need to draw the line and other times it’s not. The obligations sneak up on you.

Here are some examples of defining where and how to draw your line in the sand.

• Personal Boundaries can include anything from your physical personal space to emotional and mental barriers to how you spend your time outside of work.
• Protecting my emotional space is a big one for me with my identity as
  an empath. It’s so easy to give my emotional energy to people I care about.
• Sometimes, I am investing more energy than they are! Then, I find out that their issue was a bigger deal to me than them. Does that ever happen to you too?
• Other times they really leaning on me but it’s too much. That is the moment I need to draw the line and say something like “I really need some time alone to recharge.” Alternatively, I’ve said something like “I need time to process my emotions and the situation before discussing them with you.”
• Either way, I am protecting my emotional space.
• Mental boundaries are a little different – protecting your thoughts and opinions from unwanted influence.
• For example, what do you say when you get unsolicited advice? A well-meaning person throws out a “You should do this, or that” as you think “No. Way.”
• You could ignore them, but if they are someone special in your life, you need to set a boundary. You could reply “I appreciate your idea, but I need to make my own decision.”
• Or think about when asked to do something that goes against your values. This is a big one for me because when I go against my values it eats at me – it’s hard to let that go.
• To defend my integrity, I say “You know, my values are important to me, and I just won’t go against them.”
• One last example of keeping mental boundaries is information overload. Checking email and social media is a huge time suck for me and I need to set my own boundary to keep myself sane!
• Not long ago, I found myself checking my email accounts almost every time I picked up my phone. Sounds crazy, right?
• Then one day I heard of a challenge to check at 2 or 3 set times in the day with nothing in between. And, you know what? It worked! When on my computer I just close out the email window too, so I don’t see that little number or dot telling me I got new mail.
• Social media regained its hold on me recently. My latest is Facebook. We had a hurricane roll through which was pretty tough. The power was out for days, cell service didn’t work but magically I had Facebook.
• So, I would spend my time in the neighborhood groups just to get any information about our power, and where to buy ice or gas. That sounded reasonable enough.
• Well, then I started watching those little videos, or reels. And, as you know the algorithm jumps all over your habits and brews a new addiction. So, after power, internet, and basically life was restored I found myself checking Facebook during any down time or pause in my day!
• I then noticed my down times were getting longer as I got swept up in looking at my phone instead of moving on to my next task.
• This also happened a few years ago and I deleted the app. That worked like a charm. My FOMO didn’t last long and I reclaimed both time and probably mental health.
• This time around, I am limiting this app to one time per day, similar to my email checks. I decided to equate surfing my phone to TV time. I’ll ask myself; would I sit down and watch TV right now? This answer is 99% of the time, “no.” So, that now applies to my Facebook app.
• These were just a few personal boundaries I’ve discussed, now briefly on to relationship boundaries.
• Relationship Boundaries — Friends may expect emotional support, or family drama can weigh on your mind. There are also romantic boundaries with your significant other where you need to define expectations.
• Speaking of social media again, do any of the people in your life overshare about you in their posts?
• After a close friend was stalked on social media by a patient, I decided to stop posting all pictures of myself or family. This was a personal decision that I firmly hold.
• However, some will post a picture of myself and my kids without my permission which violates that decision. To this I will say, “I appreciate your enthusiasm for posting, but I need to protect my family’s privacy by not sharing everything.”
• Another example with relationships is respecting differences. If you truly enjoy being with this person, or are stuck with them as a family member, a great option is saying “I love spending time with you, but I don’t always have to agree with you.”
• How about family drama? Here’s an opportunity to minimize your contribution to the scene. You could say “I love you, but I won’t get involved in your arguments with your siblings.
• Work Boundaries – With work there is often this
  immense pressure to prioritize the patient above all else, right?
• I know you’re aware this can be too much at times and ultimately hinder your ability to provide optimal care. I get it. A multitude of times I dragged myself through the day exhausted, hungry and wishing I could dash to the bathroom.
• While I couldn’t control every aspect of my schedule, there were, and are, ways to set boundaries to allow yourself to breathe.
• Lack of time is one of the absolute top issues I hear from physician moms.
• I learned my biggest lesson running a small clinic. As an entrepreneur I put my heart and soul into a new practice. I mean, every day I was working with my business partner on all the details, including fielding inquiries from potential patients…on the evenings and weekends.
• I altered my schedule to fit their work schedule. It was awful. I was giving away too much with lengthy phone calls to “earn” a new patient.
• Thankfully, this didn’t last long, and we set time constraints with patients for returning calls and scheduled those consults during normal work hours.
• I was trying to be too much to too many people and it was exhausting.
• There are other ways to regain some time like dedicating small breaks in your day and limiting even emails outside the office.
• New pockets of free time not only reduce overwork, but they can also be assigned to self-care like sleep, exercise or just a quiet moment to collect your thoughts.

In closing, setting boundaries is not selfish, it’s essential for you to thrive as you focus your energy on what matters most. They are personal and can change over time.

It’s essential to communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively. I like to think I am simply stating a fact, without emotion.

I hope one of my stories resonates with you and sparks a fire to take charge over something that doesn’t sit right with you.

Say no, draw your line in the sand, and prioritize your mental and physical health. Say yes to what really
matters.

Remember, progress over perfection is key.

And don’t forget to join me next week for another dose of support and inspiration. Until then, take care of
yourself, and take care of those who matter most.

It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!