Episode 27: Beyond the Norm: Redefining “I Should” as a Physician Mom”

Some days I think my drive to be a rule-follower is the pits.

I have this sense of responsibility and commitment to do things the “right way.”

I was just professing to my husband that maybe being too honest holds me back.

And you know what? He agreed!

He wasn’t hinting I should lie, rather he made me think about my unwavering dedication to following “the rules.”

Where is this list of rules anyway? Who wrote them, and why do I have this innate drive to follow?

I feel like I should be the one to pick up the kids or make dinner.

My to-do list is crowded with items labelled “I should.”

How about your to-do list?

Today I’ll discuss how to break free from unwritten rules while maintaining integrity. Join me!

The Problem with Being a Stringent Rule Follower

Rules are comfortable, right?

They got me through college and medical school. They continue to direct my practice of medicine with a definition of the right way to do things.

I have a high regard for rules because they are supposed to represent the tested and proven way to operate or function.

For example, I followed ASA (the American Society of Anesthesiologists) guidelines for setting up my office-based anesthesia practice. If I followed their checklist to make my practice safe and compliant with the top standards in my field.

That felt good.

It satisfied my internal feeling to do the right thing. It also reduced the fear of malpractice, because I did everything right to the best of my ability.

Rules have their place.

How else would there be order in society?

Of course, there are necessary rules governing all areas of life, besides work.

I for one, am more grateful for traffic laws, after a trip to India years ago.

About 20 years ago I visited New Delhi for a couple weeks there. We travelled all over by car and rickshaw.

What terrified me the most? The free for all on the highways and intersections. Drivers didn’t seem to follow any rules and we were often stuck in a mosh pit of smoke billowing rickshaws.

To this day, I am sometimes amazed that people actually stop at lights and stop signs here in the United States. I can’t shake it!

Yes, vital societal rules that ensure safety and order need to be followed.

But there are also a multitude of unwritten rules that shouldn’t control you, but do.

These are the external expectations that feel like rules. I have a sense that I should do something that really isn’t a vital societal rule. It’s more a sense of obligation I internalize because, well that’s the way things just are!

So, I fill my to do list with things that I accept because they fall in my lap.

But here’s the problem: You give away a little control with each “I should” that appears on your schedule.

Here are some examples women may face:

• There’s an expectation that a mom’s primary role should be to care for her children, even above her successful career as a physician
• There is the guilt she is pressured to feel for prioritizing her career.
• Because you’re the doctor in the family you should pick up all the tasks of taking care of ailing relatives?

We are a product of our society’s beliefs and norms. I do agree we need to live within this framework to a certain degree. But what about when the unwritten rules hurt you, your productivity, and your happiness?

The consequences of being too stringent at following rules hurts women.  You become so busy running around to serve others. And serving others is an admirable trait that so many doctors have — but not at the expense of your own vitality.

It’s as though your vitality is a candle flame. You light up others and fan their flame so they shine bright – think of your family, kids or friends.  At some point you flicker and grow dim because you’re giving away too much.

You start to notice decreased satisfaction and overall well-being.

You Can Still Follow Your Integrity While You Push Back on Unwritten Assumptions

You don’t need to compromise integrity.

Your integrity aligns your actions with your beliefs, right?

I feel like staying true to my values of honesty, reliability and being ethical not only allows me to live with myself but builds trust with other people.

My integrity is not just about avoiding wrongdoing, but about choosing the right path, even when it’s difficult.

I want to live authentically.

I want to create a life that is truly meaningful and satisfying. And I don’t need to compromise this integrity as I push back on unwritten rules.

You can question assumptions, and the unwritten rules women often face.

These societal assumptions and unwritten rules that can limit women and perpetuate gender inequality. Here’s what you can do; question assumptions.

Here are some examples of such assumptions and how to question them:

• Question Assumptions About Your Role as a Woman
• Women are primarily responsible for domestic duties like cooking, cleaning, and childcare. A disproportionate share of duties falls to the woman.
• You can ask: Why should these tasks be gendered? Can these responsibilities be shared or delegated fairly? Each household is different with a myriad of factors to consider. But it doesn’t hurt to question if you are the one swamped with chores.
• An assumption may also be that the woman is naturally more nurturing which makes them perfect for these roles. I am damn sure men are just as capable and do incredible jobs as dad and caregiver. Maybe the question should be: Why do we assume dads can’t be just as nurturing and caring?
• Question Assumptions About Your Capabilities as a Woman
• Some insinuate women are not as capable as men in certain fields or professions, like leadership, the sciences, law, or medicine. This as ridiculous, right?
• Well, it may be a seed planted as a young girl when the attitudes and unwritten rules were stronger.
• So there is a reason to question the barriers women face.
• There is also a common assumption that women are just more emotional than men and therefore less rational.
• I would argue questioning whether being human and showing any emotion is a sign of weakness or strength.
• How strong is that person who normalizes emotions that we all experience?
• Question Unwritten Expectations of Women
• There is also a common expectation that women should always be polite and accommodating, even when they disagree or feel uncomfortable. It’s this idea that women are demure.
• There a several familiar double standards about the image of men and women. For example, a man is confident, honest and ambitious while a woman is difficult, rude or power-hungry.
• I know I have restrained my opinions at times because I didn’t want to be seen as an arrogant or bossy. I also felt like it wasn’t worth my energy to fight it either – but that’s probably my personality speaking.
• In retrospect, what I could have done is question myself and why I was letting these expectations stand in my way. It was okay to express my true self. Just because I say “no” doesn’t mean I’m instigating a fight.

It’s important to remember that these are just a few examples, and there are many other assumptions and unwritten rules that women may face.

The big picture: By questioning these assumptions and unwritten rules, women can challenge societal norms and create a more equitable world.

The more immediate picture: Questioning assumptions will reduce your “I should” list. It can unburden you of what can be delegated and allow you time for the more important items.

Some Rules Have their Place, and Some are Meant to be Broken

While following necessary rules is important, blindly adhering to all societal expectations can be detrimental.

These expectations, or assumptions, often disproportionately affect women, limiting their opportunities and well-being.

By questioning societal norms, women can challenge gender inequality and create a more equality. They can break free from limiting expectations and reclaim their agency.

After all, integrity is the cornerstone of life when it aligns your actions with your beliefs and values. It fosters trust and respect.

Don’t forget to join me next week for another dose of support and inspiration. Until then, take care of yourselves, and take care of those who matter most.

It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!