Episode 3: How Physician Moms Make Life Harder Than They Need To

As a mom of a teenage girl, I can’t help but start by quoting the Taylor Swift song “Anti-Hero”

“It’s me. Hi! I’m the problem, it’s me.”

You may or may not have a positive reaction to Taylor Swift. But what is your reaction to her statement?

Imagine a day you’re just happy to make it to work on time. You woke up to find your phone dead because the charger wasn’t fully plugged in. Your Keurig only brewed ¼ cup of coffee. And the traffic to work was the usual grind.

Then, that challenging case comes along. One you’ve been wildly successful with in the past. But you’ve
struggled too.

Maybe you feel like you’re overthinking and creating uncomfortable stories around your talent. The brain is adept at convincing us of false truths, isn’t it?

Or maybe you act on impulse with knee-jerk reactions. You don’t have time to think, you just act.

In either case, the problem is something you are thinking, or not thinking, doing, or not doing. The result from any of these, you still struggle.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be so hard.

Where are you making your life harder than you need to? And why?

Hard Challenges as a Physician Mom

The first step to finding where you’re making your life harder is to recognize a pattern. That can be eye-
opening. And wouldn’t it be easier if you broke that cycle of frustration?

Then, you can lean in to “why” the mysterious brain makes its life harder. That answer will follow in the next few minutes in this podcast episode.

I just asked you to imagine a tricky workday, fueled with too little caffeine, and filled with struggle. That
hypothetical story was me. Well, partly the old me as a new attending years ago. We didn’t have Keurig
machines then, and it was a flip phone that died.
As a partner in a large anesthesiology practice, I took turns on day shifts and overnight call in labor and delivery. There was one of me and so, so many patients. At times, I would be running from an emergency C- section to a room with a woman about to push to place an epidural.

This was rewarding, except for one thing. In this environment, it would be better if those epidurals worked the first time, and perfectly. But sometimes the pain relief was patchy. Or I wasn’t as fast as I could be with placement while the poor woman writhed in pain.

It’s not that I made a mistake, it’s that the results weren’t always perfect. Honestly, they aren’t always perfect for anyone, ever. But somehow, I took anything less than perfect personally. I felt at fault somehow for not doing better, being faster.

It just felt like a mistake.

I didn’t accept the reality that those results are normal, you adjust and move on with your shift.
What was I doing to make my life harder? I set an impossible self-standard of perfection. And when it didn’t happen, I started avoiding labor and delivery.

Sadly, avoiding the problem only made things worse.

How could I ever improve my skills if I abandoned the challenge.

Think about your practice. Do you have a skill, or a type of case or patient that you may also have an
unachievable self-standard?

The Demanding Standards of Medicine

Wait. Maybe it’s not all about me. It could also be the system.

In this culture of medicine, women are indoctrinated to act, believe, and think a certain way. We “make no
mistakes.” We can’t afford to. We need to perform better than others and prove our worth.

I feel medical training puts the fear in us to not slip up, ever. Do you agree?

The standard of perfectionism spills over into other areas of our lives as physician moms. We set high
standards across the board: for parenting, being a wife, or even in our chosen sport or exercise. For me that was every sport or exercise I took up.

What Would You Tell Yourself as a Medical Resident About Perfectionism?

What would I tell my younger self now? I imagine keeping it simple, saying something easy to remember in the moment.

• Challenge your expectations by setting more achievable goals.
• Seek support from a colleague, friend, or mentor.
• Practice self-compassion.

If only I’d learned to set more achievable goals, find support in community, and just give myself a break! Oddly enough, this is exactly what I help clients achieve today. 

What would you tell your younger self?

Your current problem area may be at work, or home, or anywhere in between. All the advice and wisdom you would tell her can be adapted to what you tell yourself today.

So, what will you tell yourself, now? What resonates with you to help make things a bit less hard.

It’s time to take control and thrive!