Episode 4: How a Mom Doc Can Reduce Feeling Selfish for Prioritizing Herself

Picture this, you’re sitting on the couch talking to your teenager. Sometimes this is a rare event. Then, a reminder pings on your phone. You have a workout class in 30 min. This means you need to get up now to change and drive to class. You also want your coveted spot in the studio.

How does that feel to get up from the couch and tell your kid you have to go?

Or maybe you’re a new mom wrapping up maternity leave. Congratulations to all the new moms by the way! You’re going back to work in a career you love, leaving your baby at home. This can be rather hard.

On the one hand, work brings you value and self-worth. On the other hand, being a mom fills a primal need. They do complement each other, but why does it feel so awful?

When Being a Mother Leads to Feeling Selfish

I have so many stories of feeling selfish, it’s hard to pick one. My stories range from the new mom, like I just mentioned, to more current ones. Even after all these years of working on this, I still struggle.

A few months ago, I signed up for a live webinar through the alumni program from my Integrative Medicine fellowship at the Andrew Weil Center of Integrative Medicine. The guest was an integrative veterinarian. How exciting!

Our dog had been itching a lot and having frequent ear infections requiring trips to our vet. She was getting shots while her ears cleaned and packed to no avail.

I thought this was a great opportunity to see my fellow alumni and learn how integrative medicine applies to veterinary medicine. And maybe I could fix my dog. Do any of you do this – fix your animals?

Guess what time the webinar was scheduled. 7:00 PM. This is the most active time in our house. Our kitchen is alive with chores, cooking dinner and homework help.

But I was sitting upstairs on my computer, hearing the commotion below. Without me.

I was fine with it all until the meeting ran over an hour and they were about to answer my burning question – what to do for pups with frequent itching of their skin and ears.

I was torn.

I justified my time as solving a family pet problem, not my inner desire to fix my own dog.

I also felt selfish.

My husband and I usually split homework help duties. He covers all math and history related homework, I cover writing and science. And that night my kids had both a poem that needed writing help, and a biology worksheet on hyper-, hypo-, and isotonic cells.

To Prioritize Family is Accepted but to Prioritize Myself is Selfish?

What would you do? Leave the call at one hour and miss the answer. Or stay in the meeting until you have fulfilled the reason you came.

I stayed in the meeting and got my answer.

I took a moment to think about what my husband would do if he had scheduled a webinar at 7:00 PM. I can confidently say he would not feel selfish. Occasionally missing the family kitchen chaos is not a crime.

It’s ok to prioritize something important to him. So, why can’t I say the same? This double standard lives in my head making me feel selfish. Can you all relate?

Have you also experienced times where you felt selfish for prioritizing yourself over family?

Work as a Team at Home as You Do in Your Private Practice

What helped me reconcile this feeling of selfishness was to change my lens. I put myself in my husbands’ shoes. I accepted that there is another way to view the situation.

He was in the kitchen that night, the kids weren’t alone. Chores got done and dinner was started by the time I rejoined my family.

We work as a team. Each person is allowed to “take 5” and answer their own burning question. It’s not selfish. In fact, I returned energized and excited about what I learned. Later, my daughter even helped collect a saliva test, gulp. She’s a trooper.

Prioritizing yourself restores your energy and brings new experiences to your family.  It sets an example for your kids that each person matters equally. Just as dad can take a call, or the kids go to a meetup, mom can attend a webinar on integrative vet medicine.

You may wonder, did I fix my itchy dog? Yes and no. I did that fancy saliva test to determine all her food allergies – and a few offending ingredients were in her dog food. Now we buy a pure ingredient salmon and sweet potato mix. It smells horrendous, but she seems to love it.

She still gets frequent shots, and I treat her ears. But the problem is not entirely gone, so I’m still searching.

Think of something you feel selfish about making a priority. It may not be every time, but when competing interests arise.

Now ask yourself:

• How does this activity help me improve my wellbeing?
• How will this help me show up as a better person for my family?
• What legacy will I leave by showing taking care of yourself is important?

It’s time to take control and thrive!