Episode 44: From “Am I Enough?” to “I Am Enough!” for Doctor Moms

“I am enough.”

These words should never be a question.

“Am I enough?” “When will I be enough?”

You may find yourself chasing this elusive “enoughness” – a pseudo-word I’m using today.

You work harder and do more activities waiting for that moment you feel worthy.

Think of it like a rabbit chasing a carrot on a stick. The rabbit endlessly chases the carrot, maybe getting a bite, but never the whole thing.

This relentless pursuit is fueled by the fear that lives in the mind of never feeling “enough.” It can lead to dissatisfaction, drain your energy and impact overall well-being.

What is your carrot?

What does enough mean to you?

Today, we cut the string and toss the stick. You are enough.

Let me show you how to stop questioning yourself and arrive at a place of feeling truly enough.

Not Feeling Enough Despite Doing So Much as a Physician Mom

Before I start today on how I feel you are enough and the ways that you can feel that too, I ask you to reflect on your definition of enough.

What will it take for you to feel you are enough? That is a tough one for many – and you don’t have to answer it just yet.

Here is today’s roadmap for the next 7 or 8 minutes.

I want to first talk about identifying your values. Then you’ll define what it means to be enough. And last, you will learn how to recognize that you are enough, right now, in this moment.

I’ll give some ideas for how to take stock of your enoughness (my pseudo-word for arriving at the top of the mountain of being enough).

What is it that you value more than anything else?

This can be a several things, make a list if needed.

For me, I value things that fill my basic needs as a human being. I value my family, my children, and our safety and security – which includes providing healthy food, love and support.

I value integrity and health. I also value the belief that all humans have the innate ability to promote their own healing and wellness.

So, the next question is, if you have all those things on your list of values, what else do you need?

What does it mean to be enough?

When I reflect on my own list, I see that I am nurturing my kids, providing a healthy home for my family and myself, and choosing things in my life that follow my value of integrity and wellbeing.

So, why does it sometimes feel like it’s not enough?

I can’t deny that sneaky feeling of needing to do more or be more to feel satisfied. But when I stop to reflect, think about what I have, I realize I am enough, right here, right now. And so are you.

Our worth is not defined by accolades and checking off a million little boxes on a to-do list, it’s defined by your unique gifts and your essential being. It’s you living for your values every day.

I believe people don’t wake up each morning to intentionally harm what matters most, though unintended consequences happen all the time, right?

Humans are allowed to make mistakes, get pulled down a wrong path, make poor choices because of their free will. But that free will is exactly what helps guide them back to living for what matters and refocusing on values. It is a choice.

How Do You Recognize and Feel You Are Enough, Doc?

When I talk with women who are high achieving, amazing moms with a passion for helping others, I am always taken aback when they reveal they feel they may bot be enough. Because to any outsider, like me, it is so obvious how amazing they are.

So why don’t they feel it too? I’m curious.

There are two possibilities that I think of when I listen to these amazing women tell their story. In my experience, I see that they, one have their eye on a prize just out of reach, or two, they keep taking on more challenges hoping one will light up a feeling of success – that they have arrived and are now enough.

Today, I want to use 2 analogies to explain these possible reasons why these super women may not recognize they are enough right now. They are slightly different, and one may apply to you.

The carrot on a stick analogy:

The classic analogy is on a carrot dangled just out of reach, motivating the animal (or person) to keep moving forward, but they never actually attain it.

This can become a metaphor for unattainable goals. The carrot is a goal that is just beyond reach and working harder doesn’t land the carrot. That goal can be anything that seems important or is admired. It can be a really good goal, but just not right for that person.

I’ll give you a personal example. I took a creative writing class and loved it. The assignments were so fun, and I received positive feedback from the professor.

I had it in my mind, I am going to get one of these published and then I can call myself a writer. That was my goal. I thought, how amazing would that be to be able to show I am published, which is the reward, my carrot.

So, I submitted some poems and a short story to online journals. Well, you can guess since I’m telling the story here, nothing was accepted – which was disappointing because I was so stoked about my submissions.

For a moment, it left me feeling not good enough, that my writing didn’t matter because a few strangers sitting in an office somewhere didn’t like it.

In that moment of disappointment, I also knew all the lessons that you’re probably thinking.

No one wins right out of the gate.

What did I learn and how can I improve my writing?

Persistence is key.

But you know the biggest revelation I had? Maybe this wasn’t my carrot to have right now. People write for years before getting anything published. It is an incredibly competitive world.

So, why would I base my self-worth on a goal that is just out of reach?

Unattainable goals encourage overwork and can leave you dissatisfied by not living up to a set bar of worthiness, or enoughness.

The spinning plates in the air analogy:

The spinning plate analogy describes a situation where a person is juggling multiple responsibilities or tasks all at once.

Picture the plate spinner, that’s you and me, surrounded by tall thin sticks with a fragile plate spinning at the top.

As the metaphor, each plate represents a responsibility. This could be work projects, family obligations, social commitments, or personal goals.

Then you have to keep the plates spinning, or else they fall. This requires constant, skilled effort.

Then you when add a plate, your attention is even more divided and there is less time for any one task. Add too many plates, and they all start to wobble.

When one crashes down, it can be felt like a failure or a blow to the self.

It’s a slippery slope sometimes, right?

It can be easy to take on too many activities in an attempt to be super mom, or super doc.

But this constant overdoing for the sensation of being enough leads to lower self-esteem, confidence, and burnout by spinning all the plates.

How many plates can one human really spin?

How to Arrive at the Place of Feeling Enough for a Doctor Mom

The real answer to feeling enough and not overextending oneself to chase a carrot or balance all the activities to store up your stock of enoughness may seem logical. Here we go.

Cut the string and toss the stick.

What the heck do I mean?

This means recognize when you are chasing an unattainable goal and stop pouring extra energy into chasing it. The inevitable “failures” are like withdrawals from your enoughness account. So, your sense of being enough takes a hit.

This is the hard part because the mind is great at justifying actions. It convinces you of what you think you need, even when that thing is not in your best interest. Sound familiar?

It does for me. My brain used to tell me I needed to wear the same pants I did 20 years ago, before I had 2 kids, back when I never had time to eat, and stress was at an all-time high.

In fact, I only gave away those pants a few years ago, if you can believe it.

Giving them away, even though they were super cool jeans, meant I was accepting that my current size was enough. I am not somehow less than my younger self because I look different. I am enough.

Recognize when you’re chasing an unattainable goal, cut the rope, throw out the stick and embrace what you already have.

Set down some plates and thrive on the ones left spinning.

This means just what it sounds like, pull back, slow down, say no.

Doing more does not fill up your enoughness account, it drains it. Doing more spreads you too thin, where it’s hard to be effective at all the things.

But it’s hard to know which plates to set down, they all seem so important, right?

For example, I know a mom who served on her kid’s PTA board, volunteered in the classroom, served on a patient safety committee at work, while she taught medical students and saw her own patients.

Wow, that is a lot. And all those things are valuable, right?

So, why did this woman tell me she didn’t feel like it was enough, that she was enough? She wanted to know what it will take to live up to an incredibly high standard.

The twist to this story is, after explaining out loud all of the things she is doing, and the incredible impact she has on people, she had an “aha” moment.

She saw what I see, what others see – that she is so much more than enough. She could easily drop an activity or two and still be amazing.

Time to Unleash Your Potential Momma Doc

To recap today’s discussion, the first step was to remember your values, those things worth your time and energy to strive for.

Then, think about what really your definition is of being enough.

I mentioned 2 fallacies that come to my mind when talking with women struggling with feeling enough.

The carrot on a stick analogy helped explain those who are striving for unattainable goals that leave them feeling less than.

The spinning plate analogy helped explain those women who keep taking on more challenges and activities thinking they will fill a void and make them feel enough.

It’s true, focused intention and energy will lead to greater success. And that is rewarding. But take the bigger picture, take a look at what you have already accomplished. You are enough right now, today.

By cutting the string and tossing the stick, you retrain your energy on what you do have.

By setting down some plates you can dote on fewer plates and thrive in those areas

By changing your perspective and setting down the things that don’t serve your higher purpose, you can realize the enoughness you have already accumulated, today.

You are enough right now and have so so much to share with your family, patients, friends and the world. You have so much enoughness that you touch people’s lives even without realizing it!

It’s time for you to benefit from your gifts by accepting them.

Don’t forget to join me next week for another dose of support and inspiration. Until then, take care of yourselves, and take care of those who matter most.

It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!