EPISODE: 7
How the Doctor in You
Sabotages the Mom in You
InspiredMomMDs.com/7
Overcoming Doctor Mom Guilt: How to Reconnect After a Stressful Day
Episode 7: How the Doctor in You Sabotages the Mom in You
You finally get to go home after a breakneck day. You’re so happy to be home, then you hear “Mom?” It comes at you before you have any chance to decompress.
You just walked out of your doctor role into your mom role, and your kids missed you. They want your attention, your help with homework, and to come see their new video game.
You blurt out “not now” and a twinge of guilt eats at you as you bark at them for leaving their shoes and bags all over the hallway.
What would be a better response and why is it so darn hard to do?
Losing patience with kids is easy when overworked, exhausted, and with no time left in the day. When you walk in the door you haven’t even left work behind. There’s still that one call to a patient and the online charts waiting to be completed.
How can you make it easier to transition to loving your kids when you’re tapped out from work?
The Long and Short of Keeping Stress from Your Practice Away from Your Kids
Short answer – take it moment by moment.
I realized I couldn’t filter my responses when my tank was empty. Whether I bark out an order, roll my eyes or sigh loudly they’re all cringy.
The better plan for me was to have a strategy or technique to pause. Stop. Give my rational brain a moment to think about how to respond.
As you know, when stress and internal instinct take over (the reptilian brain) the rational, logical self takes a back seat. You’re driving the bus. You can step on the brake, swivel your head around and ask your logical self what you should do.
How do you step on the brake? That of course depends on the individual. For me, I benefit from just holding my tongue and taking a deep breath. This short circuits what was about to fly out of my mouth.
For others, maybe stopping to smile or repeating a quick mantra like “serenity now” makes a difference. How about placing your hand0s over your heart? This self-touch is not only a form of self-compassion, but the body reads it as comfort.
A little comfort is a small ray of sunshine on a dreary day of stress. And you don’t have to wait for someone else to give it to you. It may sound corny but hug yourself!
I personally place my hand over my heart quite a bit. It’s also a natural human response to show empathy and caring for others. Why not myself?
Long answer – fill the tank.
It is well recognized that a mom gets short with their kids when she is exhausted – completely logical, right? The crux of the situation is not just knowing why she snaps at her kids, but what the heck she can do to stop!
For myself, I notice exhaustion stems from not enough “me” time, excessive stress, and not enough sleep. This translates to three categories I can improve that will help reduce exhaustion.
Here they are:
- Build resilience – I thrive when I get 10-12 minutes each morning to meditate. This is my time. It clears my head and allows a quiet moment for creative thoughts and inspiration.
Each person has that special “something” that rejuvenates them. And it’s not just one thing, right? A workout is another chance to think or get lost in a book for 20 minutes.
What about organizing the pantry? I get lost in that one too and feel a sense of joy each time I walk into that awesomely organized space … until it gets tumbled up again.
What helps you build resilience? The list of possibilities is endless. The trick is finding a handful that work for you. Think about just one you can sneak in your schedule, today.
- Decrease stress – This sounds easier said than done, for sure. The stress response often fuels regrets in my world. A long day of mounting stress lowers my barriers for a polite response to “Mom?”.
My goal is simply to find the moments I can control to avoid triggers for stress. I’ll give you one simple example.
My commute home takes anywhere from 40 minutes to 1 hour and 20 minutes. That’s a lot of brake lights! I use a navigation app that constantly reroutes me to the fastest route. Sometimes the faster one involves taking multiple turns down unfamiliar roads.
All of this to save 2 minutes. Ugh. Instead, I stay on the main highways, listening to my podcasts or audio book and spare myself the stress. I walk in the door a few minutes late, but oh so much calmer.
- Increase sleep – Physicians are curated from a culture of a driving work ethic that leaves minimal time to sleep. How else would they get the proper experience to care for patients? (Sarcasm intended.)
This lack of sleep becomes a normal part of the job. Add to that the responsibilities of rearing kids and forget about it!
Can you all predict how your day will go based on how many hours, and minutes, of sleep you got? I certainly do.
Eight to 9 hours is heaven, 7 to 8 is a good day, 6 is acceptable, but cranky, less than 6 sends alarm bells in the form of leg pains, and 4? Four hours feels like I’m going to fall asleep at the wheel and am coming down with the flu.
I am continuously amazed at the difference even 1 hour makes. And I see how each hour less of sleep affects how I talk to my kids. Not only that, but they are old enough now easily recognize mom’s tired. They even tell me I look tired and kindly suggest I take a nap! I love those guys.
When I increase my sleep, I fill my tank. I snap less and am more present for my family. I’m curious how much sleep you all need and what your cutoff is for a smooth evening after work.
For many of you it’s hard to put your finger on what is stealing gas from your tank. It could be the million little things zapping your energy. Or maybe there are 1 or 2 you can find and control to restore some balance.
I can help you find those and get back your energy with my Take Back Control Session. If interested, go to www.InspiredMomMds/TakeBackControl.
Doctors are Just People Too
We are only human. I don’t mean to fuel perfectionism here. A little self-compassion goes a long way. And truthfully kids are hard on a good day.
You hate to admit it but it’s too easy to lose patience and yell.
And it’s not every day, every time you’re greeted with a dirty house and loud kids. But it’s often enough that you notice, and they notice, and that hurts. You can change that.
It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!
About Cindy Van Praag, MD, NBC-HWC
Wellness Advocate for Physician Moms
Cindy talks about the current climate of practicing medicine while juggling the roles of mom, wife, daughter, and more. She brings a fresh pair of eyes and guidance for common situations physician moms face daily. In Inspired Mom MDs Podcast, Cindy delivers a fresh perspective and actionable steps to take agency and elevate your power. Listen on your favorite podcast app!
