There is a fear alive inside every parent — the fear over the little things, and the unspeakable.

How do I raise these little people, now my teenagers, to be happy and fulfilled individual humans? I don’t want to impose my fears on them, but at the same time I need to teach them justifiable caution.

As a child of the 80’s, solid Gen X woman here, I had a lot of freedom. Did my mom worry about half the stuff I do now? I wish I could ask her.

I’m not a so-called helicopter mom, but I do have a tracking app to follow my little people to make sure they are where they plan to be and arrived safely. This app really does negate some of my fear.

But my question is about the remaining fear I have no control over. Am I wasting my energy or is it justified?

Does fear get in your way as a mom – and seeing your kids happy and thriving?

Hi there and thank you for joining me today!

How nice would it feel to not have the burden of fear and to feel content and happy with the present moment.

Fear is in your mind, your imagination. Much of the time they never happen, right?

But, what about bad things that really do happen? Should you be fearful of those?

You can’t be afraid of something that already happened, the fear is about the future. The future is not here but lives ever so present in your imagination.

What fears are worth yielding energy to?

There is an Indian yogi named Sadhguru who would argue don’t let fear stop you from anything. “You cannot overcome something that does not exist.” He states that you are creating what may happen with your mind.

So, he argues why not use your mind to produce something positive? Use your mind differently, don’t follow the pattern of fears.

I would agree but also argue that some fear is healthy. When a fear is justified it motivates one to act, to take precautions.

Physicians Love Evidence – Especially When it Confirms Suspicion!

When there are studies and data to support a fear, you have evidence.

Evidence can justify some fears. Take seatbelts, for example, there shouldn’t really be an argument here, right?

But I am still shocked that some adults think it is ok to not wear one because they are sitting in the back seat. Or that it is ok to squeeze in one more kid on the outing instead of taking a second car.

Or the more common occurrence of other teenage friends that assume these same ideas. In their invincible mindset they leave that belt off too.

The fear is indeed justified – meaning something to take a reasonable action to prevent. Buckle up. The evidence is overwhelming that seatbelts save lives.

But having this fear does not imply that it will happen to you. I don’t intend to bring up any past trauma, but this is a real present-day concern.

I still tell my kids “Wear your seatbelt!” as they walk out the door to get in a friend’s car. And I am secretly pleased to almost hear the eyeroll in their voice when they reply yes.

My son goes further to remind me of the bracelet he wears. You see, in my town, there is a story of a teenage girl who died by not wearing a seatbelt.

Her parents launched a campaign to speak to highschoolers about safety. In one of their campus visits they handed out rubber bracelets with their daughter’s name and the words to buckle up, every time.

So, when I say “wear a seatbelt,” he replies, “Mom, I always do. And I‘m even wearing the bracelet!”

Seatbelts are an easy example, and there are so many other justified fears.

Maybe your child needs additional care and will always require help and support. That is just fact.

Or you’re an ER doc that sees one too many broken bones from trampolines and hover boards. To this day I will not hang my arm out the window of the car. In residency I provided anesthesia for a patient with a degloving injury of his left arm after a roll over accident.

How about the fear your child will get sick while you are at work? This is particularly stressful when you are the only one to pick them up from school that day!

Speaking of sickness, what about the fear you’ll miss a diagnosis in your own child? Knowing so much about what could go wrong raises the bar on fear, doesn’t it? This walks the line of a justified versus unjustified fear.

Recognizing When Your Fear is Unjustified

Is this my own anxiety? What are my own fears that I may be projecting on my kids?

• • Unjustified fears over family health.

• • Having a medical background may make minor illnesses more worrisome. Maybe there is an urge to obtain an extra test just to be sure all is good.

• • My mind has occasionally leapt to fear of the worst. That unexplained symptom has grown to a rare illness, and I haul off my kid to their own physician for a levelheaded opinion.

• • These fears are often unfounded because they stem from a place of love and concern, not a lack of knowledge. You can find a balance between your medical training and your role as mom.

• • Spiders everywhere

• • Tucson, Arizona became my home halfway through first grade in 1979. We lived in a neighborhood with maybe ½ acre. To me it felt like ten acres.

• • Anyway, I stayed outside all day in the desert with friends and came home only for lunch and sunset like a typical 80’s kid.

• • Now the desert can be a damn scary place. Consider rattlesnakes, black widows, scorpions, and centipedes to name just a few hazards I routinely encountered. But oddly I wasn’t afraid of them.

• • I remember being cautious about how I picked up a rock or reached my hand almost anywhere! I had a blast exploring the neighborhood and playing fictitious games with my friends.

• • I would play in the wash, which is a dry riverbed in the Southwest, and find sand rubies. Those are little red rocks that look just like rubies!

• • Now, my mother had an overwhelming fear of spiders. All of them. In fact, so did her sisters and mother.

• • I could imagine the situation where she would forbid me to play outside all day because of poisonous spiders, but she didn’t.

• • She did not impose her fears on my chance to play and be a kid. And you know what? I was never bit or stung … not even by a bee.

• • My first bad encounter with creepy crawly and flying things was as a medical resident, in the VA physician’s locker room. I grabbed a new folded scrub top, threw it on and soon yelped and ripped it off as a wasp flew away. It got me on my neck and shoulder in 2 spots. Holy cow that hurt.

• • No one warns you about a clean stack of scrubs, right? After that event I did shake out my scrubs first, but it would be a little unreasonable to continue to fear wasps around every corner.

• • So, my mother’s fear of spiders led to no bites in the household as a kid – but my absent fear of clean scrubs did lead to an extremely painful bite.

• • As a scientific woman, I will follow the evidence and try to let the unjustified fears keep quiet.

• • College and the future

• • After navigating the entire process from high school to residency, physician moms may have a word or two of advice, right?

• • What advice would you give your teenager who has a big math test tomorrow. For example: Put down the phone and study! What are your plans to study? Are you ready for your test? Or do you not say anything,
    leave the kid responsible for their own outcome.

• • Many moms fall somewhere on this spectrum of advice giving for that math test. The underlying fear is that if they don’t push their kid the kid will fall short of their potential. Maybe they will miss getting
    accepted to “the college.”

• • This example is real in our household as my oldest applies to college this year.

• • We want the kids to be independent thinkers that can feel free to choose their own course in life. I just trust them, that they will find their way – because that’s what I did.

• I chose a college, med school and a specialty all based on my own drive and knowledge of what keeps me happy and content. I want to allow the same freedom for my kids.

All your hard-earned wisdom and incredible depth of knowledge as a physician may increase the magnitude of
fears you experience as a mom.

Sometimes that gets in the way of enjoying your role as a mom – and seeing your kids happy and thriving.

Allow yourself the grace to ponder — is your fear justified vs unjustified? Do you have evidence this is a real concern or is it a constant fear that is unlikely to happen? Conserve your energy on those unjustified fears.

Kids, as they get older, will always need us and our advice on some level – and that’s beautiful. That’s a family.

It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!