Just when I feel I’ve got the hang of parenting, my kids get older.

They enter a new stage I don’t feel equipped to handle.

I find it difficult to transfer all my wisdom of talking to a 13-year-old, for example, to my next kid that hits 13. It doesn’t work; they are apples and oranges.

For me, reading parenting books full of “how to” topics just doesn’t cut it.

I am stuck.

But doesn’t the unpredictability make this journey more fun? Maybe that’s what makes this the greatest thrill ride I ever signed up for, twice!

But you know what makes thrill rides better? Someone seat belted in next to you, waving their arms and screaming their head off too.

Company makes it better, or I should say community.

So how do you find it when you barely have time to brush your own teeth?

As a Physician You are Conditioned to Go It Alone

High achieving people get where they are because they are natural problem solvers. Their drive and persistence elevate their game, and they succeed.

Then, hold up. You bring a new little human into your life and fast realize that little creature doesn’t play by your rules. They have their own rules and playbook – and that moment of realization is a shocker, I know.

You start down this road of trial and error, trying endless kid raising techniques, hoping one will stick. Right?

Thank goodness, for the most part parents figure it out but what a messy process.

Trying to go at this parenting thing alone, with or without a spouse, means you are throwing the proverbial spaghetti at the wall every time you turn around.

Find a Parent Community and Discover You are a Normal Mom

I had a lot of questions as a young mom and thought I had good answers, at the time.

If I had a magic wand and could sprinkle some insight over my past self, I would support her and tell her struggles were shared by so many other momma docs – even seemingly rare issues.

This shared experience grants you a holy grail — you are normal.

There, I said it.

If only I could bounce all my self-doubts off others:

• Should I have let him “cry it out” instead of picking him up? Normal.
• For the record, I could never use this method for getting my son to sleep. I don’t regret a minute of that time either. Particularly as I later learned of his ADHD. His little brain had more cylinders than mine so he needed a bit of help falling asleep.
• Why couldn’t I succeed in breastfeeding my first kid? Normal.
• I was dead set on doing what I thought was the right thing, breastfeed my first born 100%. On that first well baby check with the pediatrician after getting home the nurse pressed some formula samples into my hand and it dawned on me. This wasn’t working. I needed to supplement.
• Should I not have steri-stripped that wound and headed to the ER instead? Normal.
• On this one I again feel the need to explain.
• In hindsight, yes, I made the right decision not to take my 5 and 3 yr old to the ER alone at 10PM for a small wound that sure could have used a couple stiches. But I will say, the strips held great, wound healed fine with barely a scar to see today.
• I have gone to the other extreme where I managed to have a plastic surgeon come to my house (as a favor) to stitch my kids’ forehead.  Again, it was the right decision to avoid drama of an ADHD kid in the ER and call in expert help.
• I rest my case.

I finally talked with other physician moms about my doubts and regrets.  Only then did I realize, hey, I’m not doing so bad. These things aren’t unique, though they sure seemed to be at the time.

Other women have similar self-doubts. I wish I could have talked with them as I was going through these things. Back then, around 2010, smart phones and social media were just on the rise.

If I had found community, I’d have found normalcy.

Just How Do You Open Up to Other Parents?

I’m not being hard on myself for what did or didn’t happen in the past. Judging in hindsight is not fair, it’s a bias.

Hindsight bias is a very real and strange thing. It’s the I-knew-it-all-along phenomenon or creeping determinism.

The technical definition of hindsight bias is “the tendency, upon learning an outcome of an event … to overestimate one’s ability to have foreseen the outcome.” (Britannica.com)

It can have both a good and bad effect. The good; I can pat myself on the back for sparing my kid ER drama because he healed well, right? I knew it!

Or a negative effect would be skewing my confidence in decision making. If I made the right decision then, wouldn’t I be more likely to choose correctly now? Nope. That would be overconfidence, an eye opener.

I mention hindsight bias because of the need to learn from the past. Just beware, it can lead to overestimating decision-making abilities.

Back to the present — a great equalizer is sharing an experience with others.

I go through a process:

• I laugh.
• I cry.
• I share.
• I feel better.

Honestly, sometimes I flip the first two.

You can do something similar when you are facing a parenting struggle.

First, process for yourself: laugh, cry, write, go workout, make cookies, whatever it takes.

You do need a little time and space for that hindsight – time to process your experience.

Second, share your story, both for yourself and for others.

You are giving a small gift of normalcy to others. Be vulnerable!

Others will give support in return.

And then you have community.

I was recently talking to a physician mom who is a new connection for me. We were just talking more superficially about medicine. She soon dived into a personal story about her child which is life altering. It gave me chills because it resonated with me.

I returned with my own story that shared very similar issues.  I saw the look of recognition on her face that I’m sure she saw on my face too.

We connected because we were both willing to share our story and be vulnerable. My feelings felt validated, and I hung up the video call feeling stronger as a mom.

When You are Vulnerable You Find Community

You don’t have to go parenting alone. Many struggles are shared by all these people around you; they just don’t talk about it!

To start or join a conversation does mean putting yourself out there a bit. It takes a little vulnerability for others to open up and share on a deeper level, like I did with that mom recently. My connection with her is verifiably stronger now.

Now you get to ask, where do you want to find community?

You can find a group of docs, women, parents, you name it on almost any issue. Sure, there are many groups of Facebook that include very niche topics. There are meet up groups, webinars and conferences where you can strike up conversations and connections.

Right now, my roller coaster of parenting is heading through the high school years. Wish me luck!

If you relate, feel free to reach out if you want to talk! LinkedIn is my social media platform of choice, just search my name.

Don’t forget to join me next week for another dose of support and inspiration. Until then, take care of yourselves, and take care of those who matter most.