Episode 51: Your Road, Your Rules: Setting Boundaries for the Doctor Mom

Road signs exist for a reason.

They tell us where we can and can’t go, what’s safe and what’s off-limits.

Without them, driving would be a guessing game!

Boundaries serve the same purpose in life. Without them, it’s easy to veer off course or worse, crash with exhaustion.

When others dictate your time and energy, you lose autonomy. You can run yourself into the ground meeting endless demands.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. But here’s the good news: you can take back control.

What if you had clear road signs, the ones you create, to guide your time and energy?

Today, I’ll walk you through a simple process to set boundaries that keep you on the right path.

Define Your Path Toward What Matters Most with Boundaries

When I first realized I needed to set better boundaries, I was a little overwhelmed. I could see the effect on my life from doing too much and overcommitting myself, but to say no sounded hard. It felt like it would take more energy to defend a boundary than just go with the flow.

But then I realized that it was faulty thinking! Holy cow, going with the flow is exhausting and compounds my energy loss!

Then I changed my perspective about how to protect my time and energy. I thought of it as a building a shield.

This idea is much like the guardrails you see on the highway. Those are shields too. They keep you safely on course.

In this “Chart Your True North” series, I’ve been talking about the steps of a road trip toward what matters most. This is a journey away from the illusion of having it all and toward a more authentic, value-driven life.

The previous episodes talked about first setting your destination for your journey, which is determined by your values and what you love and dream about in life. Then, last week I talked about fueling up by prioritizing self-care in a demanding world.

Today, I am going to talk about how to manage boundaries, which are the guardrails on this trip. This is your life, your road, you get to choose what types of guardrails you need to protect your energy and priorities.

The Spectrum of Saying No and Choosing Your Boundary

You may already sense where you would like to add a boundary in your life but are not quite sure how to go about it.

Keep in mind that they don’t have to be all-or-nothing!

You can set a small daily limit or pull out a hard stop. There’s a spectrum of saying no.

On the small end of the spectrum are the micro-boundaries that help you course correct through the day. Then to the other end of the spectrum you have the big boundaries that are your hard stops.

First, micro-boundaries are those things that can be small or subtle that you use to prevent overwhelm in daily life. They don’t involve confronting other people but are more about setting limits to protect yourself.

You may set limits with your phone, like silence notifications or program a do not disturb function. I talked about trying a focus app on my phone, and I’m using it now!

Other small limits are things like planning small mental breaks between tasks or getting your walk in before dinner.

They are little adjustments that add up to big rewards. These were covered a bit in episode 50, last week.

Now, big boundaries yield the big reward right away!

These are the non-negotiables that protect your values and well-being. These also require clear communication to set them with other people.  An example is “I don’t work weekends.” Or “I don’t answer texts or emails after 7 PM at night.”

Micro-boundaries are like yield or speed limit signs. Big boundaries are the dead-end must turn around signs!

The remainder of today’s episode is about reinforcing and standing by your big boundaries.

How to Handle Pushback on the Non-Negotiables

People will test your boundaries, and not necessarily out of malice, but because they haven’t realized that those rules are non-negotiable.

So, how do you handle pushbacks?

Hold your ground. 

If a friend or colleague asks you to make an exception, just this once, what would you say?

I know I used to be tempted to people-please in that moment because it felt like an argument brewing. And I admit, I preferred to avoid confrontation.

I understand now that this thought process is wrong, that I need to be clear and concise, and politely hold my ground.

Now, I may reply by saying “I wish I could, but I need to stick to my commitment.”

This is a simple, kind response that closes the door to negotiation.

You may need to repeat yourself, without being defensive. 

What if you hold your ground, and they keep pushing?

For example, you said no to join an event, but they keep giving reasons why you should attend.

One tactic is to just repeat yourself that you are not able to make it. Simple state the fact without getting into an explanation why. You don’t need to be defensive. They’ll get the message, eventually.

Do offer empathy, you’re not trying to be disrespectful.

Now, you may think, this is someone I love and I don’t want to hurt them. Or maybe it’s a coworker and you don’t want to burn a bridge.

You can still be kind while protecting important needs. Here you can offer empathy and still not give in.

Acknowledge their feelings.

If this boundary caught them off guard, say so! If it is a change from the norm, admit that too. For example, “I know this is something different, and I really value your opinion/invitation/friendship. I just need to set honor this boundary for my wellbeing.”

Offer an alternative.

A logical next step would be to offer an alternative for this person you care about.

“No” doesn’t always mean shutting down someone, but can mean opening a possibility that works for both of you.

Maybe you can’t attend that event they are begging you to join, but you can help with spreading the word. If you have a reasonable way to contribute, offer it!

This helps to maintain your relationship while honoring your limits.

Honor your limits without over-explaining or feeling guilty.

Now that you’ve clearly communicated your limits with kindness and perhaps empathy, don’t feel the need to over-explain or feel guilty.

Launching into reasons why there is a limit, or the conditions of that limit invites negotiation – and that’s not necessary.

Over-explaining may be like saying, “I can’t go to that event because I have so many things to do, there’s just no time.” Instead, state the fact, “I won’t be able to make it” and be kind, “I do hope it goes well, and you have fun!”

You don’t owe people excuses. Setting limits isn’t selfish either, it’s about self-preservation.

This is Your Road, Your Rules

Boundaries are the road signs that guide you on your journey to what truly matters.

They keep you from detouring on something unaligned with your goals. And sometimes this will disappoint others when you stay true to yourself – and that’s ok because the alternative is so much better.

When you stay true to boundaries, you say yes to what is most important, like relationships, wellbeing, and fostering joy. You uplift others as you navigate this world as your authentic self. You’ll have more energy, and less resentment.

From the micro-boundaries to the big boundaries be prepared to stand your ground. You may have to clearly repeat yourself in a kind, but firm manner and offer empathy along the way. You may want to offer manageable alternatives to help the person who asks you a favor to maintain the relationship.

And remember, there’s no need to over-explain or feel guilty about establishing your limits.

I hope to see you next week when I have an intermission for this “Chart Your True North” series when I interview Dr. Cristina Kraft, an integrative dentist and amazing person!

Until then, take care of yourselves, and take care of those who matter most.

It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!