What I Want My Daughter to Know About Medicine: A Doctor Mom’s Unfiltered Truth

How I Handled the Moment My Daughter Said She Might Want to Be a Doctor

My daughter just attended a nursing immersion camp at the University of Texas in Austin.  I admit I think I was more excited than she was! She’s expressed a strong interest in nursing for a career, but was still unsure, which is when she found this weeklong summer program.

I was so thrilled to support her because this meant she could get her feet wet a little before deciding on which college to pick later this summer – based on what she may want for a career major.

My excitement went even higher when I learned they invited parents on the last day to experience some classes and see the campus. It was that day, over a piece of cold pizza, that I got to sit alone with my teen, for at least 45 minutes, talking.

Mind you, we never sit face to face for 45 minutes with no phones, let alone talk that much in one sitting!

This was my opportunity to scope out her feelings on nursing, medicine, and life.

Her opinion was that it as a great week with lots of hands-on activities that were fun, but it didn’t answer her deepest question: Is this career choice for me?

As we talked, I gently asked her some open-ended questions.

It turns out that she is seriously considering medical school. And at that moment, a mix of emotions flooded over me.

I won’t deny pride came forward at my little girl following in my footsteps. But it was quickly followed by fear and protection to keep her away from the slew of landmines medicine hides.

I recognize nursing also shares significant issues, such as burnout, disrespect in the workplace and not having enough time with their patients.

I’m sure there are others, but I do know the pitfalls to medicine all too well.

On the flip side, I know the incredible satisfaction, accomplishment, and joy that comes with doing what you love. And you can see it in the faces of your nurses and doctors when they love their job, right?

For my daughter, this is a pivotal moment…she starts to apply to college in a month and a half.

How do you navigate this discussion with your child who says they may want to go into medicine?

Do you discourage them out of protection? After all, they haven’t lived it like you!

Or do you gently offer support without judgment, because they are decidedly not you?

The solution is to model a conversation that blends truth with trust in their feelings, motivations and ability to decide.

You can do this by offering your child clarity, not fear.

This is a solution.

How to Support Your Child’s Healthcare Dreams Without Projecting Your Fears

I’m one of those people that can’t seem to hide my emotions – the prototypical “wears her heart on her sleeve” type of person.

So, when I feel uncomfortable and conflicted about supporting my kid’s interest in medicine, I’m 99% sure it shows!

She may see:

• My guilt for not wanting her to follow in my footsteps.
• Pride in continuing my legacy.
• My fear of knowing she’ll endure extreme moments physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion.

Maybe you have a great poker face, and I secretly envy that, but in both our cases a simple truth remains – how do you move beyond that internal conflict to an honest connection with your child?

I’m talking about that grounded discussion to help them with love and purpose rather than the instinctual urge to pressure them or protect them.

How do you offer up your hard-earned truths without discouraging your child’s dreams?

I have 3 steps today to help you do just this…

Step 1: Manage Your Emotions Before Talking to Your Child About Their Career

In retrospect, what I really like about that conversation with my daughter over cold pizza was that it was on neutral ground. We were sitting in a cafeteria. It didn’t have all the distractions of being at home, or from the phone.

It was easier to focus on the conversation and quite honestly easier to keep my emotions in check.

Comfortable silence is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

 I was able to pause when she dropped the bomb that she may still choose medical school. I could take a bite of pizza to disguise my moment of processing my thoughts!

Then with a swallow, and the blessings of time, I responded with a constructive answer.

You see, I don’t want to project my fear of pain on her. I don’t want to put pressure on her to make the “right” choice either.

With my emotions in check, I was able to offer more of a partnership in figuring out her path.

This is my first tip: take a moment to consciously check in with your emotions before responding to your child.

Allow yourself to experience those uncontrolled feelings while choosing silence, or using a short distraction.

Then, before responding, ask yourself: Am I about to project my pain or am I offering a perspective?

Before giving advice, reflect on your own hopes, fears, and biases.

Step 2: How to Share the Truth About Medicine Without Passing on Your Trauma

It is important to share your real experiences, just don’t lead with bitterness.

This can be tough. When I retell stories from medicine they can bring up intense feelings of anger, disgust, frustration, you name it.

I can think of one interaction with an attending who unjustly accused me of mishandling how I prepared for a case. I had fully discussed and followed the advice from a different attending, which he learned, but it never led to an apology or any consolation from the reaming out I experienced that morning in the operating room. It was humiliating and unfair, but I was in no position to argue.

This happens, it’s part of the process. The subordination to instructors is real and maybe I wouldn’t have these feelings today if I had processed this years ago!

The idea is to share experiences with a different lens. Your kid deserves to hear the truth, just not the trauma.

So, the truth I would give to my kid today would not center on my horrible experience, but around how to manage these situations when the arise.

I would share the truth about tricky interactions and maybe a mantra to handle difficult people like: “I’m here to learn, not to shrink” or “I am not defined by someone else’s emotional immaturity.”

Step 3: Prioritize Your Teen’s Career Calling Over Your Expectations

Help your kid explore why they’re drawn to healthcare and what role aligns with their values. It’s not about you, it’s about them.

I asked my daughter questions to help her answer her why. I focused on what was really important to her in a career and what was really important to her in her life outside of work.

It’s helping them with the big picture of life and how they want a career to fit in to that ideal.

It also shows her that her identity is NOT solely determined by her career choice, even if there’s a strong calling. She has the freedom to custom craft her life.

This reminds me of Episode 21. I interviewed Dr Sharon Hull who talks about how to custom craft your life. You can find that by searching for Episode 21 on your podcast platform or my website, inspiredmommds.com/21.

Back to prioritizing your teen’s vision. An easy way to do this is to get curious about their why. Some open-hearted questions you might ask include:

• What draws you to this path?
• What parts of healthcare (or helping people) feel energizing to you?
• What kind of life do you imagine for yourself?

The key is helping them identify how their career choice fulfills their calling without feeling compelled in any direction. I don’t want my daughter to feel like she “has to” or “should” do anything she doesn’t agree with.

You can say: “I want you to choose a path that lights you up, not one you feel you have to choose because of me.”

Key Takeaways for Supporting Your Teen’s Decisions

As I look at a picture of my baby on my desk I realize she is not mine to control and care for anymore, not like when she was 8 months old anyway. She is her own person now, with her own wills and desires.

My role as mom is ever shifting and it’s an exciting journey. This experience helping my daughter pick between nursing and medical school is one more moment that I am blessed to help her through.

I can’t help but imagine some day her retelling her story of how she chose to be a nurse, or a doctor. I hope through my guidance she learns how to share her heard-earned truths with future mentees or her kids.

At the end of the day, I just want her to know I support her no matter which path she chooses.

The three steps I talked about today can apply to so many situations as kids get older, right? So, I remind myself to:

• Check my emotional temperature before responding.
• Speak the truth and not just my trauma.
• Prioritize my child’s calling over my own agenda.

Don’t forget to join me next week for another dose of support and inspiration. Until then, take care of yourselves, and take care of those who matter most.

It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!