Why Trying to Get It “Just Right” is Backfiring as a Doctor Mom

Episode 95: Why Trying to Get It “Just Right” is Backfiring as a Doctor Mom

Topics Covered

• When Pushing Harder Stops Working in Medicine and Motherhood
• How Overthinking and Control Show Up in Everyday Life
• Why High-Achieving Women Default to Trying Harder
• How to Shift Your Focus to What You Can Actually Control
• What Happens When You Try to Control What You Can’t
• What Letting Go of Control Looks Like in Real Life
• A New Way to Think About “This Isn’t Working Anymore”

You walk in the door after a full day. You’re already tired and just as you set your bag down, your phone buzzes.

A message from a colleague.

It could be a question or a comment with a certain tone.

You feel that pull to respond and try to get it just right – clear, professional, not misinterpreted.

You reread it, adjust it, and wonder if you’re overthinking this.

You send it anyway.

And still… something feels off.

If you’ve ever noticed yourself caught in overthinking as a physician mom, you know exactly this feeling.

Later that night, it’s back in your mind. What you said. What they meant. What they might be thinking. Trying to get it exactly right. Trying to manage how it was received. Trying to control something that isn’t fully yours to control.

And it hits you: this isn’t working anymore.

Today I’m talking about that moment—and how to shift out of trying to control everything, and back into what’s actually yours to hold.

Find the full transcript and bonus resources for physician moms at inspiredmommds.com/95.

When Pushing Harder Stops Working in Medicine and Motherhood

There’s a moment many physician moms don’t talk about. It feels easier not to! This is the nearly universal moment when something you’ve always relied on, such as your way of coping, managing, pushing through, just stops working. But instead of stopping, you double down and push harder because that’s what served you in training and practice.

How Overthinking and Control Show Up in Everyday Life

It can look small from the outside. You’re standing in the kitchen after a long day. Your child is upset about something that feels objectively minor. And you can feel it rising in you—that urgency to fix it, solve it, move it along. You try explaining, then redirecting, then negotiating. And somehow, it escalates.

Or maybe it’s quieter than that. Maybe it’s the mental loop you run at night, replaying a conversation, trying to control how someone else sees you, rewriting what you should have said. This is often what overthinking as a physician mom looks like in real time.

Or it’s your schedule. You keep trying to optimize it. If you just wake up earlier, be more efficient, try harder…And yet, you still feel behind and stretched thin. Still like you’re missing something.

This is when you can start to notice that inner thought, the one that doesn’t mince words. “This isn’t working anymore.” Noticing it doesn’t mean you listen, at least not at first. So, you push harder, because that is what has always worked before. It’s instinct.

Why High-Achieving Women Default to Trying Harder

This is the part that is an eye-opener. Physicians are trained to persist, to problem-solve, to find a way forward. So, when something stops working, the instinct isn’t to pause, it’s to try harder, to tighten your grip, to believe that success is just one more adjustment away.

But sometimes, the problem isn’t effort. Physicians have an A+ in effort. The problem is which direction they push their effort.

I want to step back a moment to clarify what I mean by direction.

How to Shift Your Focus to What You Can Actually Control

Imagine you’re sitting at a desk, and your role is now as an advisor, or trusted friend, not as the one living it. You are now the one observing the situation. And again, that situation can be overthinking in the middle of the night, the escalating frustration with your kid at the sink, or that text to your colleague.

On a blank page, you draw a simple line down the middle.

On one side, list everything you can control. These are things like your words, your tone, your focus, your effort, your decisions.

On the other side, list everything you can’t control. These are other people’s reactions, your child’s emotions, how quickly things change, how others perceive you, outcomes.

Then ask yourself: where has your mind been spending its energy?

Are you managing others’ reactions to you? Or are you managing your own pulse, tone, and reactions.

What Happens When You Try to Control What You Can’t

Because for most of us, we’re pouring energy into the side we can’t control. Trying to manage outcomes. Trying to shape people’s reactions. Trying to create certainty where there isn’t any.

And that’s the moment. That’s the moment when you realize that it’s not just that this isn’t working. It’s that it can’t work this way.

And this is where a ray of clarity starts to shine. You can’t control what you can’t control. You can let go of what was never yours to carry.

You don’t have to control the outcome to show up well. You don’t have to fix everything to be effective. You don’t have to keep using a strategy that’s draining you just because it used to work.

This is the pivot. Not necessarily a dramatic life change, but a shift in where your energy goes. This can be a 1-degree change in direction that, over time, can change the trajectory of your energy.

What Letting Go of Control Looks Like in Real Life

So, what does this actually look like in real life?

This isn’t a mindset you decide once and suddenly live perfectly. Especially if you’re used to overthinking. It’s something you practice in moments. It starts when you catch that exact moment—the one that’s been easy to quickly move past. It’s that moment right before you explain again in a text or email. It’s that moment when the mental loop starts replaying as you lay in bed trying to sleep.

Instead of moving forward automatically, pause. It can be brief and imperfect, but it’s still a pause. Just enough to ask yourself one question: What part of this is actually mine to hold and what part can I let go?

Answer yourself honestly. Not what you aspire to do or should ideally do.

Maybe in that moment with your child, what’s yours to hold is your tone of voice. Not their reaction or how quickly they calm down. Just your tone.

Maybe in the mental replay, what’s yours is your attention. Not the details of a past conversation. Not how you imagine the other person’s perception. You can control whether you continue the loop.

Maybe with your schedule, what’s yours is one decision. Not the entire system. Not fixing everything at once. Just the next choice in front of you.

This way of thinking disrupts the pattern of overdrive and the push for “performance”. It may feel awkward or unfamiliar at first. That’s OK. Just stay with what is yours to hold.

That’s the shift. Not controlling less because you’ve given up but focusing your energy on a direction where it actually makes an impact.

And if that still feels big, make it smaller.

Choose one moment that doesn’t have emotional weight tied to it. For example, when you’re deciding what to wear in the morning or what to make for dinner, notice the urge to overthink or optimize it.

Instead of engaging with that pull, just choose – and move on.

That’s the practice.

Noticing when your mind starts to reach for control… and gently redirecting your attention back to what’s yours to decide.

Just one moment like that is enough to begin.

A New Way to Think About “This Isn’t Working Anymore”

That moment, the one where you realize this isn’t working anymore, is not failure. It’s awareness. And awareness is what makes change possible.

It’s the moment you step out of autopilot. The moment you stop trying to force something that isn’t responding the way it used to. The moment you begin to see, maybe for the first time, where your energy has been going and what it’s been costing you.

For me, this kind of clarity is a real aha-moment because once I see it, I can’t unsee it. I’m working on my own awareness too and most definitely a work in progress. But it gets easier with practice, which makes these small changes in how I show up with my work, my kids and myself.

So, I’ll leave you with this: what are you still trying to do work that no longer fits? And what might shift if you allowed yourself to stop forcing it? Just one small imperfect step at a time. Just enough to make your 1-degree pivot today – one that can change your trajectory.

If this resonates, this is exactly the work I do with physician moms. I help you reclaim the energy that’s been tied up in what you can’t control and redirect it toward what moves your life forward. If you’re ready to explore what that could look like for you, I’d love to connect. You can visit my website or reach out to schedule a call, and we can take that next step together.

Don't forget to join me next week for another dose of support and inspiration. Until then, take care of yourselves, and take care of those who matter most.

It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!