Physician Moms and the Hidden Hazing of Medicine

Episode 82: Physician Moms and the Hidden Hazing of Medicine

Have you ever noticed how often belonging comes with a price tag?

Sometimes it’s subtle, sometimes it’s glaring. For our kids, it might look like pledging a sorority or fraternity, where the message is clear: prove yourself through suffering, or risk being excluded.

But if I’m being honest, it’s not just a college thing.

As adults, especially for those physician moms navigating burnout culture, you face your own versions of hazing.

And that cost, the idea that to be accepted, you must endure pain, follows you home and shapes the way you live, parent, and even think about our own worth.

Today, I unpack that hidden cost of belonging, and why it’s time to question the belief that suffering is a requirement for acceptance.

When Belonging Comes at a Cost

Hazing is in full swing at college campuses across the nation this week. As a mom of college bound kids, I hadn’t put too much thought into this annual ritual, until now.

My son accepted a bid and is now part of this system of initiation. One consolation is that his is a dry fraternity, that upholds admirable standards and most importantly, addresses the elephant in the room – the danger of hazing.

He and his fellow pledges are required to learn about the danger of hazing and kids that have died. He’s also learning the warning signs for when someone needs help. I’m relieved, to a degree.

As I text with him on and off about each day’s challenge, I keep drawing parallels with my own initiation in medicine.

If you’re a physician, especially from several years back, you know exactly what I mean, right?

The culture of medicine has its own hazing, and it’s not pretty.

New physicians are taught – whether outright or implied – that to truly belong, they must prove themselves through suffering.

I told my kid his life reminds me of being a resident. So, he asked how so? And this is what I wrote back,

“Well, the motto burned in my brain, and still affects daily decisions, is ‘eat when you can, sleep when you can, and pee when you can’ because you have almost no control over what you can do and when. And then the environment is to break you, to purposely humiliate at times, and we all went along with it to belong…to be a part of something bigger than us. We paid the price with suffering to be a doctor.”

And a moment later I said, “That sounds do bad, huh.”

And now here I am, pontificating on the parallels.

The real problem is this unspoken rule that you earn belonging by enduring pain.

That to belong, will cost you.

And if you can’t handle it? Well, then the implication is you’re not tough enough or not committed enough to be included.

It’s no wonder physicians are encountering burnout at unprecedented levels. Half of physicians are experiencing at least one symptom of burnout. It makes actual sense that 4 out of 10 physicians want to leave medicine or their current institution.

It’s not because they aren’t tough enough, it’s because in many places, the practice environment is toxic. (not everywhere, thank goodness, those are the beacons of hope and models to emulate.)

And as a parent this mentality bleeds into our homes.

The Hidden Hazing of Medicine for Physician Moms

It’s exhausting to keep up with a system that equates value with sacrifice, isn’t it?

The truth is this belief is outdated and harmful – just like hazing 18 yr olds should be outdated and is harmful.

For those kids, initiation builds fear and conformity.

For physicians, the culture of overwork doesn’t garner respect, it fuels burnout. Doctors aren’t rewarded for showing up when they’re sick, taking extra calls, or charting until midnight, it’s expected of them. That’s ridiculous.

Belonging should never require harm, not for our kids, and not for us.

So, what do we do?

Redefining Belonging: Practical Steps for Work, Home, and Self

The way forward if to redefine belonging so it doesn’t require suffering. Belonging will instead come from your values, your boundaries, and healthy connections with other people.

Here’s what this looks like:

• At work: Notice the toxic narratives (I suffered, so you should too) and resist. Model healthier norms. This includes many of the techniques I discuss each week on this podcast, including setting boundaries, normalizing rest, and refusing to equate sacrifice with worth.
• At home with the kids: Talk openly with your kids about what healthy belonging looks like. It’s not through sacrifice, but by choosing friendships and groups (sororities and fraternities) that align with their values. I know I’m not in charge of my kid anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t discuss these ideas.  
• At home with yourself: You don’t need to prove your worth with performance. Accept yourself for who you are and where you are not how much you give to others. You don’t have to be a martyr to belong.  

A Parent’s Lesson, A Physician’s Reminder

Watching my son go through his “hazing” and initiation in his new fraternity is a little unsettling. But it is a stark reminder that I still have plenty to share with him about my own experience of navigating sacrifice to belong.

I get to talk to him now about how he can notice and challenge toxic narratives – that he does not need to suffer to belong.

I’m proud of him for following his values, not taking himself too seriously, and having strong boundaries. He will gain the added support and community his fraternity offers. I know he will have a lifelong network to call on for help, and for that I am happy.

As for me, I’ll keep offering my life experiences as lessons.

As for you, where do you feel pressured to pay too high a cost just to belong? What would it look like to create communities where belonging doesn’t cost our wellbeing? Now consider what’s one small thing you can do this week to resist.

Don’t forget to join me next week for another dose of support and inspiration. Until then, take care of yourselves, and take care of those who matter most.

It’s Time to Take Control and Thrive!